do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
