meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
