Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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