I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
