Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
