found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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