i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
