Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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