I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
