i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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