he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Everything about him screamed your future.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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