I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
