Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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