Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Randomize
