you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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