hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
She tied me up with her honor cords...
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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