Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
