What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
