if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
