Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
