dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Randomize
