i would punch a child for taco bell
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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