I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
