im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
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