is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
