What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Randomize
