You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
