and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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