oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
