I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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