just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
