She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
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Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
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I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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