just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
you had me at cake vodka
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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