In America we eat man semen.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I just forgot I was standing up.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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