I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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