Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
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