accomplished twins. life is a go
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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