No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize