pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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