you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
And then my night got REAL pukey
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
