I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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