Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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