I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
