Swine flu. Run for my life!
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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