someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
