We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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