Your dad touched me again.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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