I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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