this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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