now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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