4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
