i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
