If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
