just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Someone signed my nipple.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
