I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i love accidental penises.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
